i lost my pencil box. everything. gone. emo. period.

starting below bottom

some start off at the higher level coasting through just like that. well some start off from the very negative. unfair, isn't it? you wonder how much you need to do to overcome that gap, how much you strive through just to prove something so subtle to others, where others manage it with a simple click. unfair, isn't it?

there is so much to do, but to start off with you don't even know what is going to happen anyway, you have no idea how precarious you are, and you are not even sure after doing everything you will win anyway. unfair, isn't it? well now is the time to start below bottom - the place where you are - and work extremely hard, to do whatever it takes to win this, no matter whether it might or might not anyway. because you know, you want it.

flashback

okay, i'm writing this down probably in case i forget em' in the future, since yf class today discussed indirectly related to this topic. These are perhaps my greatest ambitions, or simply ambitions i once wished for, whether it was a petty childhood one, or one which i really thought will materialize:

detective (because they looked cool in tvb dramas)

teacher (because teachers were cool for me during primary)

engineer (because my former neighbour was rich)

pilot (because i love adventure)

psychologist (because i am sentimental)

cafe owner (because it just is cool to be one)

Still don't know what i want though, so lets see where God leads me to for the next crucial few years. cheerio!

From my extensive hiatus from blogging (still is!), it just feels instinctive for me to return here for a reason. And I choose to post about several verses i found. And it definitely means a lot...

In this world, you will have trouble.

But take heart!

I have overcome the world.

-John 16:33

In my distress I called to the LORD,

and he answered me.

From the depths of the grave

I called for help,

and you listened to my cry.

-Jonah 2:1-2

Have I not commanded you?

Be strong and courageous.

Do not be terrified;

do not be discouraged,

for the LORD your God

will be with you wherever you go.

-Joshua 1:9

To Him who is able to keep you from falling

and to present you before his glorious presence

without fault and with great joy - to the only God

our Saviour be glory, majesty, power and authority,

through Jesus our Lord, before all ages,

now and forevermore! Amen.

-Jude 1:24-25

"Follow me," Jesus said to him,

and Levi got up, left everything

and followed Him.

-Luke 5:27-28

Restore us to yourself, O Lord,

that we may return,

renew our days as of old.

-Lamentations 5:21

But to you who are listening, I say:

Love your enemies,

do good to those who hate you,

bless those who curse you,

pray for those who mistreat you.

-Luke 6:27-28

Why do I feel like, every time I try to be nice, every time I put in more effort, every time I try, it is the more I receive despair, the more I see myself fail. What adds to that is that people don't see the production, they see the product and nothing more.

Why do they see me this way? Why do they react to me this way? Why do they treat me this way? What have I really done this badly to deserve a treatment like this? Because I'm a sinner? Because I'm someone who make mistakes? Because I'm HUMAN? Because of what? I don't even know. Even till the last day, I feel like a fugitive, I feel like I just wish to end it and move on, I just wish the final whistle blows and I could find a lame excuse to dismiss and terminate post-celebrations, as if I belong to it. Why do I feel that way? Why SHOULD I feel that way? What have I done wrong really? It's okay, I don't wish to be involved in everything, and I'm not looking back at it. But I'm glad to see that some at least try, thank you. I don't blame and I don't regret, because it has taught me owh so well.

Why should you feel that way about me? Do you feel robbed and overshadowed by a mere peanut like me? Do you not know me after so many years? Could you have reacted in a more positive manner? I don't regret as well, because it has also taught me well.

I know and you know that you are and you will always be top of my list. I have abandoned many things because I feel there is a more important place to be. I feel I have always tried and done decently, if not brilliantly. But I can't be almost perfect everytime. I have no choice too sometimes. Even when I have to leave, I simultaneously think of the top of my list. I think about what I can do to make up for it. I wish I can be there. But I also wish you see all that.

In fact, am I the one that needs revision? Have I done things I'm so used to I don't even realize what people sees? Have I focused and talked about others too much? Do I really have a big issue that I'm trying to generate it to others and blame it on my situations? Maybe you could answer that for me. But I just wish people would see me in a more positive outlook, then perhaps you could see the inner side of me. Then again, that is only just many wishes and thoughts. It is the world you are talking about. No ifs, no buts. Welcome to Earth.

If this blog is ever transparent,

the posts will come flowing like a ferocious waterfall.

But, its not..

if only you would

Waking up early as usual and making it to the office by 8.30am is already a feat, but pulling through the daily morning meeting itself probably took up threefolds the pressure. After that, it has been non-stop working and ensuring every activity will go on smoothly. I finally retired and got out of the office, timing it just before the jam starts to boil, but the weather itself has already been boiling for hours as if any different from the previous days, making everyone on the street extra moody from the heat. Plenty of thoughts along the way home, and now finally comfortably in my room, regaining my composure with the aid of the beloved air-conditioner.

It was unexpected actually, that work is becoming more hectic, demanding more responsibility and effort, gaining even more exposure. People closer to me would probably have been victims of my complaints or dissatisfaction, verbally or simply expressions. But after 11 weeks of training, I would not feel ashamed to admit that working here has garnered me a whole lot of new experience. Being in this field, you make your own business and you are your own boss, and well it has definitely thought me abundantly about being systematic and well-planned, AND planning ahead (well, i used to always think i'm pretty organised). But this by far has been the most crucial: being confident. You might not get this, but you might be confident about executing a task, but yet it is also your lack of confidence that will ruin your build up. Complicated, thats me. It is a lot about how you want to see things in its perspective; it is often about how with your positive intentions, turn a typical mindset into believing what it really is; it is always about striving and being patient and optimistic, turning something deemed impossible into something feasible. It have been many things I lacked of, admittedly.

In a few weeks time, I will be leaving. Holiday for 1+ months surfaces, and still not knowing what I will be doing then, and also yet unsure of whether I belong here and whether I should return, not knowing how much I have carried home from all that I have learnt here. Through all the thorns of pressure, stress, annoyance, frustrations, and impossibles, it has been amazing, overwhelming.

And the pressure resumes...

Face Your Giants

The day has been a gloomy one, and I somehow always feel good being under this weather. I watched this movie Facing The Giants, a Christian movie about a school football coach, facing defeats after defeats, in football, in life. And seeing how he changed his mindset and approach, and watching how his obedience and his resilience turned his life around - from consecutive football losses into winning the State championship, from being considered to be fired to an inspired and respected coach, from being unable to produce to having an unexpected child, from having headaches with a broken car to being rewarded with a brand new one.

Giants of every kind step in our way each and every day, at every moment of our walk in life. We keep telling ourselves we can't do it, we can't take it anymore, it is too tiring. He was blindfolded by the coach and told to perform a physical drill carrying another teammate. Coach kept on reminding him not to bother whether he is reaching his target, but to give his very best and keep on going, don't stop. And when the blindfold is finally released and with every bit of energy seeped, he finds himself not just achieving his target, but surpassing way beyond it.

But the giant's calling out my name

and he laughs at me

Reminding me all the times

I've tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me

Time and time again

"You'll never win!"

But the voice of truth

tells me a different story

And the voice of truth

says "Do not be afraid!"

And the voice of truth

says "This is for My glory!"

Out of all the voices

calling out to me

I will choose to listen

and believe, the voice of truth.

.

With You, all things are possible. -Mark Willard

sip of a cuppa

Almost a month of non-blogging, and now I actually found a perfect opportunity, a pretty fine timing, a good ol' morning, and an average kinda' mood. The fact that I'm up (I have to be up) right now feeling as if it's only 8am makes me feel lighter better, and now I'm on the coffee table at the living room doing something I have hardly bothered doing due to disinterest or lack of a thing call 'time'. What's missing on a perfect morning is a little bit of a better mood, and i'd say, a cuppa coffee to sip on! Ahh, how i wish. If I demand a little bit more, at a classical cafe, and directly in front of me, an outstretched beauty of a golden sand beach, some firm lil' constant gust which will make it all the more pleasant, and you can't escape some pretty little girls. But meh, these are all made up of dreams.

And after so many years, I still can't quite register in my mind that there is another Mercedes Benz out at the porch, looking handsome and portraying the "I'm here to stay" look. Unfortunately it is not my dad's nor mum's nor mine (yeah, another dream). It is my aunty's! (This about the uncle) As much as I pretty much despise him for who he is what he does, he did earned my respect an awe. The overwhelming disbelieve that of an old man who IS still comfortably living life without any work at all, after 30 years - and he just burned some small amount of cash on a German machine! HOW DOES HE DO IT??!?! Which means, the Vios has also finally been passed on to my brother! And if you see the connection, it means if lucky, I could finally be driving a more decent car! Meh, it might not be mine, but I'm pretty optimistic I'd get some kilometers once in awhile. Now, I won't be surprised to find myself praying for the brother to go off somewhere for several days/weeks.

Work has been hectic but pretty fun, not because work is totally outrageously fun, but the healthy relationships and atmosphere in the office, living together and doing the same stressful work. Do consider this strongly when you go out hunting for jobs next time. It is not all about the work but also your surroundings. A possible Penang trip next weekend, and wishing I could bring my girl along, and walk on sandy beaches.

I wouldn't say life has been smooth-sailing and fun and smiles each and everyday, but what is important is how I deal and overcome the unhappy tasks I'm put to face. It is tough isn't it? Who would want a smooth ride only to meet with a cliff. But as grown up humans I believe, we just need to learn to say, "This sh*t is going to slow me down, but it ain't gonna' stop me from crossing over and regaining but comfortable ride." And I'll start getting ropes and get started with work. I'm probably the last person to be talking about this, but it is really just it that we need to do. Don't forget your fellow riders as well, they are there for a reason. Now, I'll see you on the other side, and we can be back on a smooth ride.

btw i just had a fresh haircut, and i think i hate it (no not this one in the pic)

OA Retreat Nostalgia

Since it has been lingering around in my phone for a week already, I thought I might as well thrash it out here for everyone to see. This is just one activity of OA - part of Games. Very simple, we were at the erm Shah Alam Lake something for picnic and this game requires us to snap pics together with a list of objects which are located everywhere along the fairly extensive lake park. But meh, eventually this game was abandoned (no points or pictures submitted in the end) or else I thought it could have contributed quite a lot to our shy little group. :)

Too lazy to arrange the pictures in order, so I'll just explain each of em' accordingly. Have fun being amused for the next few minutes! :D

erm this is flag pole. we came out with a so to say 'pyramid' shape.

so i did the 'pointy' part at the top. lol-ness

after some time of persuasion (aka deceit), we managed to

snap a pic of Billy and Alyssa. this is under Fountain. hehee, creative leh! swts.

Bridge. Very simply, Billy is trying to bunuh diri (think TVB bunuh diri scenes).

"lei bei ngo sei lah, mou zho ju ngo!" "mou ah mou ah mou sei ahhh!"

Lamppost!

the fragrant 'tong sampah' i managed to coax David into posing with it hahh.

im such a manipulator, likeee

say Hi to Niza!

erm i'd rename it as 'the thirsty waterfall' because we cant seem to find one drop of water

the conventional water pump together with emo-fied David Ho.

realise something? me and david took most of the shots...

sorryy, most of the others are not as 'tatau malu' as we are.

right at the last seconds, we took the final one, 'Giant logo'.

It might not be the most joyous and comfortable camp, but the sacrifice we are willing to contribute for the good of our fellow brothers and sisters eliminates any kind of dissatisfaction. In return, we learn to be happy even outside our comfort zones, because we have done something worth it.

I do really hope the OA guys and girls - young in age, young in faith - took home a little bit of something from the Retreat, which will help enhance their spiritual inventory and armour. We hope to have another chance to play a part in their lives and see them transform into good and faithful servants of our Lord Jesus Christ. Whatever negativity they face in school, while at the hostel, when interacting with friends, or anywhere, we hope their faith remain.

always your daddy

Such an unholy hour to be awake. Hang on, its Friday!

Sunday is the annual Father's Day. I wouldn't be approaching it with big dreams or grand presents, nor do I have pictures or poems. Whatever it is, he will always be my dad.

TO ALL DADDYS,

JUST WANT TO WISH YA'LL

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

expectations come excellence

I actually told my supervisor that (the blog post title), because the more hope people show to me, the more I expect myself to perform, or I'll feel inferior, I'll feel that I lost a crucial mission. Perhaps this is where all the negativity in me originates. Sounds contradicting and ironic ey? Yeah, that is what makes me, me.

I used to argue back, word by word, whatever mum says. Nowadays I see an improvement in myself not to exchange words, but just let it be. Despise all the arguments at home; creates nothing but stress-related noises. And I know I shouldn't retaliate anyway.

For the first time in my young life, I felt as if I have torn my muscle. Just a typical stretch for the shuttle, but after that I felt a sharp nervy pain at the joint area between my torso and my right thigh. Ah, just another pain I thought. But I couldn't continue walking straight! Rest, rest is the word. But neh, not that bad. I don't feel pain for now at least. I'm someone who will refuse to sit still for long, so I wish it really is just another over-stretching. And my fast-healing recovery system will accomplish its job in no time. Hmm if it IS something serious, you'll find another long post up here. But for now, lets just hope we won't see any of that kind of post ;) Yes dad, I will remember to warm up adequately before games next time.

I was thinking while bathing (it always seems to be during this period), people who endure tough times are most likely the harder worker and the higher earner at the end of the day. The motivation, the cultivation, and eventually, the harvest is so satisfying. Formula? Simple. The only person that can motivate you, is yourself. Working at where I am now, helps me daily to remember that (whatever kind of) rewards come with plentiful of effort and deep-shit hard work. But once you have achieved success, your life will be filled with all the colours you can only dream of. Philosophy, it seems.

parenthesis i'd call

One does not want to make decisions. The other, is not willing to be cooperative. It's pathetic that even the closest people would do things to you. Yeah to be fair, perhaps partially its my incompetence? But it only goes to show a friendly reminder on the more to expect from the world itself. Its really tough and I'd need all the resilience and support from anywhere anything possible. Hmm :/

The first module after 2 weeks is officially over! Helloooooo if you're one of the VKA people reading here :p I'm really glad though, that there is a sense of relationship and a very positive atmosphere in the company, at least as far as I'm concern. And it definitely is a huge boost for my working experience and motivation. I really appreciate the seniors who have treated us very well, and they are ALL really helpful and friendly. Thank you! I am lucky, because I have seen and been on the other side and it kills the whole purpose of enjoying work. And now, module 2 commences! I'm so tired with work and people I don't feel like going on anymore. Cheerio!

and one week just like that

TODAY WAS MASSIVE! The real deal has finally been introduced to us - hands-on guidance to our practical, we technically started already! I despise disturbance, but don't be surprised if you see me walking about (dressing decent) with a folder in hand, and asking talking to adults non-stop. Part of my job really. But don't shut me off too, it IS really good stuff! If you are generous enough, an income earner, it is enough for me to offer you the best deal you will ever make. Behold, PowerLinK and its consultant come..... :)

the third day...

is surprisingly WAY more interesting! Today is mainly about the product itself we are going to recommend to potential investors when Practical starts next week I reckon. The insurance package is known as PowerLinK (PLK) by Allianz! Today's session was listened intently and non-stop curious questions pelted on the poor senior, and he was brilliant enough to answer each and every of them, well done!

As we become more knowledgeable and skilled, we are slowly sensing the increasing excitement of the internship. And also faintly tiptoe-ing behind are the endless uphill challenges we are about to encounter on the road dealing with skeptical potential clients. Ingredients needed? A bundle of hard work, an amazing sense of charisma, true grit and resilience, and nonetheless, some luck. Insurance has unfortunately produce that 'scam' image but if you went go through what I did today, you will notice how much it can change your life - because unfortunate unforeseen circumstances come without signalling to you in advance - especially at the least expected times, and most of us will be stranded scratching our head wondering if money ever rains from the sky.

So after all that... PowerLink anyone? Very simple. I just need your I.C., fill in the insurance form, and a premium of only RM150 per month, and your life is secured perhaps till your very last breath :) Are you as excited as I was in 'class'? Well, contact me for an equally interesting further elaboration!

"Allianz,

insurance solutions from A to Z"

and the wealthy

Quite spontaneous actually - or you could say it was meant to be - how during shower I actually thought about how spoon-fed i was ("i am" even?) since I was a little kid. Seeing how my parents provide (services mostly imma add) me with most of the privileges not many parents would be bothered doing. Seeing how they even arrange for me to move into tertiary education (I'm embarrassed to admit) says enough how dependent I am. I'd once in a while wonder how I'd survive without them.

Well, its not the first time I attend work in an office but internship for the second day has sprinkled on me that kind of wake-up call. Seeing how much more I need to learn (and being independent), how many times of extra effort I need to put in, to comfortably call myself stable, established, well-to-do, comfortable, and happy.

2 days at VKA Wealth Planners have so far been pretty good. But for now, we're still being treated like VIPs, but no guarantees for that in a week or two's time, when we will be out to venture and practice what "dull" head knowledge we've been instilled thus far. Lazy me would have to really bring myself up to be a dedicated and hard worker - the only route to larger rewards and experience. Quite different personalities my fellow interns have.

There was a 2-hour talk by 2 Fund Managers today. One, a Singaporean from Australia representing MAN Investments speaking on hedge and following the market trend, and of course, their skill to nick the extras from a trend and simultaneously limiting potential losses. The other, a Brazilian-looking American who flew in from the States, apparently from Castlestone speaking on Gold Bullion. Sitting alongside my fellow interns and mostly investors, I could understand majority of what they were talking about surprisingly. The basis is mostly on the knowledge we have obtained for the past 2 years in University. And of course, the 2 dudes were hired to encourage (lure, i'd say) investors (let me tell you, they are those typical bloody-rich aunties you have seen) to consider offshore investments as part of their investments portfolio. And for the second day, its 430pm signing off from work :)

I think maybe its in my blood that I'm a bloody good guy. The heart is always a very pure one. I have to honestly admit, I had my times when I was exactly one of those whom i call "immature" at this time. Who doesn't? But undeniably, it is really such a blessing that from such a subtle thing like going to Sunday School because I have nothing better to do on a Sunday, and because there is food lying everywhere as long as I sit still or at least mumble out tunes for an hour or so, I am what I am today.

I never thought such a decision leads me to become a Christian as I am now, more specifically, God has unconsciously gradually entered my life in such an amazing faint way. I have come a very long an interesting journey after so many years - whether I was just an innocent kid looking for food and Sunday entertainment, or when I was introduced to a Youth group and reluctantly joining just because my parents pushed me to, or I attend Youth just because there is captainball, or even now when I'm playing a much more responsible role. This God has shaped me - in which I'm very thankful grateful for no simple words like these explain itself - to be what I am today, despite many different situations I have encountered right till today. I would still be one of those people having nothing in life if He hadn't done anything about me.

It came to the point when I realize I don't quite need to "control" my behaviour to 'look' like a Christian, was when I know I have taken my life to a higher level, perhaps a step closer to God. I have my natural fiery character, but honestly no situation quite deters me being what I am. I must have thought many times, if I ever return to old ways, it must take something extraordinary. I love you, God.

Sorry, I have failed.

sk8 your way

Oooh btw today I was listening to Avril's Sk8er Boi again. It's one of those songs which is made up of a WHOLE story in itself.

"Sorry girl but you missed out,

well tough luck that boy's mine now.

We are more than just good friends,

this is how the story ends.

Too bad that you couldn't see,

see that man that boy could be.

There is more than meets the eye,

I see the soul that is inside."

7am jogging from Rich's to Bukit Gasing. And a hike up the hills. Breakie at Raju's. And maybe a swim after all...

the very very late

And so, i came back late last night and for the second time this month, didn't bother switching on the comp to do the routine checking and this that (which will end up way into the morning). So I slept after bathing and woke up and decided to do more chores!

Off I went for lunch, went to apply for Touch&Go Rapidpass Pelajar, which offers students 50% off, and a Touch&Go card instead of the boring ones. But apparently they said they are 'very strict' with their policies so I MUST get a certified hardcopy evidence with my student ID card. Meh, don't mind a trip on the train nyway. And then I came home washing the toilet and a few more this and that.

And so, tuning back, while I was on my way for lunch, this dude called me. He apparently is from IBM! Flashing back, the first ever company I applied for internship was IBM, with high hopes of securing a position there, especially since I submitted my resume through Mr. Chai Cheng Sheng ahem :) But they came SO LATE I wouldn't have thought I'd get an opportunity there, and also because time was running out! Not too smart apparently on their part. Although I don't mind going to where I'm set to go, which will commence in June and for 3 months, I felt quite abit of a loss, having missed the opportunity. Its not just the 3 months there, but if only I secure internship there, chances of re-entering after I graduate is several times higher! Its IBM man :( But nevertheless, I trust where God has placed me and I'm going to move on.

I was looking down the apartment yesterday. It was after a heavy downpour and the breeze was ongoing. The beautiful swimming pool glitters from the light reflection, and it was nothing but a perfect time and ambiance for a pleasant night swim. But I didn't have any spare clothes with me, so it remained just a wish. I would believe I'd go for another similar occasion before work comes about. Its way too good to miss. Yesterday I thought of many (probably less achievable) activities to do too.

Outstation trip might be possible if I choose to fork out money, rock climbing sounds impossible cos' its REALLY expensive especially without Eu Bing, Thursday i might just head to Richard's and jog with him till Bukit Gasing, and I will do my sprint hike up the mini mountain. It reminds of the same jog up trailing Gabriel from behind, pure adrenaline, sheer fun. I reminisced cycling moments too, when I used to follow my brother with a junky bicycle from behind when he cycles out to godknowswhere, and he will feel annoyed; probably going to do illegal activities or meet the gf or anything random. And there was once, as if you will be surprised, I skidded on the slippery sandy area, bleeding over, and bro turned back and helped me home. Just one of the few accidents I had with cycling. It remains one of my favourite activities, but I don't get any more of that nowadays. Now, I wish for a bike hahaha.

Speaking of budget control, I have lost my futsal shoes awhile ago, and I'm apparently reluctant to buy a new one. Odd much considering its Han Jung? I don't know, I'm just suddenly not willing to spend a few hundred buying shoes. So last Sun's futsal I was using Jon Lee's shoe (I don't know it just ended up at my house then he left for the States thereafter) and my toes hurt! Stupid Adidas shoes, ZERO comfort, ZERO performance hmph.

I have tons more of chores to do still, some requiring to travel here and there like today's, some seems so much a nuisance I couldn't bother doing but I'll still do it eventually. Other than that, its all relaxing for me, part of gearing up for working in a little less than 2 weeks' time. Owh I am partially going to miss going to University. And the lecturers do work during the breaks, what an effort we students don't appreciate, not to mention know of. Since I don't get to download movies from Uni that easily, I'll be re-watching some. Okay, its getting long. Fullstop.

the pile of love, the piggy bank, and the computer game

Its the first weekday of my holiday! 2 mere weeks and i'll be on internship for 3 months. My one useful activity for the day makes me reminisce a part of my journey of so many years. And I am a no one without coming through these years. Now i'll be waking up every morning to one pile of love, all against the wall. People I will treasure whether I still talk to em or they have gone afar.

Being at such an old age now, it also made me think of times when I was younger, times when all I know is to get latest branded attire and wears. I have come a long way actually. Because when I was even younger, me and twin were already very much opposite of each other. I used to be the one keeping every single coin in the piggy bank, while my sis, will break the bank. When I was richer and discovered the idea of spending, I grew more alike with her. I have grown from all these years, now realizing there is little need to want everything. Though I still go against that notion at times, I know it is in a way, part of my gearing up to the next level - like a computer game - of difficulty in life.

You are all every single part of my life